Shut downs, frustration, depression follow blocks, stress, inconsistency
A few years back I knew nothing about those words regarding the effects of deep trauma running in my background. I lived in an illusion that I was doing ok, until I wasn't. Sadly I have been on my own figuring out trauma since growing up past sexual abuse and other childhood impediments. Always trying to figure out and understand why I could not seem to achieve or work consistently throuought my entire life. In the last 4 years I literally had to face an learn about trauma, codependency, late stage autism, from YouTube. I have been turned away, denied, mishandled by actual therapists and mental health professionals, they seemed only interested in treating me for ADHD with medications, which I am no longer able to take the meds and am back to where I was and trying to sort out the shut downs, what catagory do they belong in:, adhd, autism, or CPTSD, childhood trauma. Ive recenlty continually turned away for deeper trauma resolution. In the old days I would have blamed it on my energetic resistence created in childhood to unlock anything that might be used against me today.
Through out my life, I was guarded in not trusting anyone in the mental health profession as my father used therapy to blame me for the family chaos, not his secrets or his marriage issues, and not for anything I needed help handling. I was baited all day long until I blew up then called crazy, always me. Always the problem --I guess it was easier that way to use me and to hide the truth of our family dynamic. it's taken me a lifetime to finally see that repulsion and mistrust in getting help all these years. To accept "human" help was difficult as I did not trust anyone except spirit and God. I held strong for years wearing several masks in ordeer to get by, play the role, expectation--but at some point, it doesn't hold, the pressure begins to fracture the walls. In 2023, I knew I needed help, but I would be mishandled mentally by a psychiatrist, that I asked my doctor for a referral to get a late stage autism evaluation as I was seeing signs, 3 weeks of stressful testing led to a disastrous outcome; the next therapist said that report was too open ended leaving it to be interpreted any which way for the next professional negating years of actual therapy and diagnoses to start with, he was negligent but I called him to tell him what the test did, and he agreed it was of no use as he had left that location to begin his own practice. I was left frustrated, feeling raw and mishandled and further helpless in getting help to be better or more functional. I wanted to report him as he added to my stress, not helping at all.
Years earlier, I was supposed to get EMDR therapy in 2014, but we were being sued for a fake injury by an unwanted treaspasser, to extort money, my therapist said it would not be a good time as my system was in overdrive and it would not help then. Years later around 2019, I attempted to hire a therapist to get this EMDR therapy. After one session by facetiming on my phone, I reacted to someone across the street that had molested me years earlier and she saw me melt down unsure as to why because I had intended to work on past trauma issues, but the next day she apologized and refunded my money saying I was too much for her skill level. Now I was really feeling damaged beyond help. I was still trying to tap into my art to get me through those dark days, but sometimes that just wasn't enough. And my mentor at that time was helping me with shadow work but that was like being beat with a bat, when I needed softness and understanding not more deep accountability from past lives and karma. I was in a dark place from all levels. I began using YouTube more steadily and found someone called "mom on the spectrum", and The crappy childhood fairy", both offered valuable information into effects of my own trauma and ADHD; my fears, behaviors, shutdowns, masking, and insights into not being able to move through life so long as some issues were unaddressed. I said in several videos, my human needed help, I understood more easily the soul explanations, but my poor human needed help. I continued to try to get help but was continually turned down as not their expertise, but i interpreted it as it's too much for them, they all wanted the easy ADHD fix with meds and follow up appointments covered by insurance. But I was finding I could no longer take Vyvance due to updated heart and blood pressure issues, it was no longer safe. But no one wanted to help me with CPTSD. I would go into further shut downs, anger, prayer, to try and not feel so helpless and hopeless and discarded by the mental health field. I would go into failure for weeks on end. Now I understand that is the norm, not the exception for people like me.
My last attempt was 2026 I tried again inquiring, and again got turned away. I was sent other therapists to look into. At this same time from 2024 to now I was also being turned away by my main doctor because I was too much for her too. She did not deal with MTHFR and had no intension of trying to understanding the symptoms but would rather keep punishing me for not taking bug pharm meds because that is all she knew. I refused to take the bp meds because ive had hours and hours of research of MTHFR to refute the meds as being more harmful than helpful in my case. My mom was on all the same meds I had been on and died anyway. She never knew about our similar pathologies. I had to fix this for my life on top of every other pressure, so I was still stuck in survival mode and angry for being turned away yet again for things I had to figure out because mainstream doctors, including my main heart doc, did not understand the complexities, symptoms of MTHFR. So mentally and physically I had to look for help on my own. Or YouTube videos, rogue doctors. That compounded the feelings of more and more anger and hopeless and empty.
What I am learning now is what and why I have lived with these severe inconsistencies, where stress ran in the background from a collection of all the abuses, betrayals, and other growth deficiencies that seems to contribute to the helplessness and shut downs, often resulting from daily activities, sometimes a phone call, or opening serious or actionable mail. I know some of that can be directly attributed to being sued for custody fight beginning at my 7 month pregnancy, that still counts in the layers of fear, abuse, survival mentality I am still grappling with today.
I've only had this clarity in the last ten years, before that I was still in the fog, the masked life, the dreams and the hopes that more or less floating through, yet full of inconsistency and failure, and feeling like I was always walking on thin ice waiting to fall in. And still no help for deeper help in understanding what I had come through and how to rebuild and rewire from it. Then I began refusing any and all psyche meds, as they provided no relief, only weight gain, anger and feeling more out of control than any kind of relief, this was around my 40's. Anxiety and depression meds. Later I would go on ADHD meds which helped well bridge my mind and body while I wrestled and built the faux bistro, but I was told by nightfall I would be irritable and angry. And finally the MTHFR and background strain counter acted the meds by physically raising blood pressure, heart issues and so my doc would not continue the script after I left my therapist office once she left to" leave a place that was imploding from within"
I tried very hard to self analyze, and rebuild and rewire the security and safety myself but while living everyday life, it wasn't possible because while the fear could still trigger and shut me down in an emotional, mental and physical withdrawal no matter what was at hand or needing attention. Maybe like trying to do surgery on yourself, maybe.
Today I still experience full blown shut downs, chronic fatigue, and cannot get out of bed or find the inner spark, when I cannot find my way to safety, whether it's invisible or a viable strain is triggered and I have not fully resolved, I know I've got some underlying inflammation so when the stress lowers my gut health, ya its a combination of physical and subconscious break down and that affects daily life, production, money making abilities, daily routines fall away.
I understand why people even without self-identifiable trauma running the inner "damaged" script can lead to these life stops and starts. At times I don't know how I've made to this is point, except one thing, the faith and inkling I knew when I was little, and the faith to know it's a collection of information and knowledge leading up to this chapter. Knowing some way some how it will resolve before I take my last breath, but at the same time declaring to God how exhausted I am of trying to stay grounded and on earth to finish up my tasks and lessons. I have felt so many times of just resigning of next life, next time. But that is not the way. I did not set out to be called "strong" because there are times I am not and just want to be less strong, relieved, released of the life responsibilities, and just create. A childlike view perhaps. I'm learning to try and not judge myself while i try and fix the background programming o replace fear with faith. Everyday is a challenge still. My hope though is to try and ask others like me to hold on and don't give up or in to exhaustion, depletion, hopelessness, etc. Every life has a reason and a "season" when all the suffering comes to fruition and reward.
My original dream was to be a fashion designer at 18, and if not, later perhaps doing extra work in movies and series. I never thought the heavy layers would just continue to heap on top, year after year, in addition to some later known birth disorders adding to the strain of just living. Yet I would experience constant failure despite all my attempts to be gown up and avoid partying, and wasting time after graduation. I felt smart and driven and ambitious--but it wasn't enough. It was like the wind lifted me up and dragged me though this life I was given. It felt that way because I could not seem to land to start a business or use my art to support myself though I was drawn to that. Today I have to look back and release the anger, the "coulda, woulda, shouldas" and accept what my soul wanted for my human which is tough at times. But I knew it was generally about finding self love and acceptance. Today I have no more safety nets creating a raw environment, more isolation, and money is harder to make while I'm in these lows, and I'm being asked again to release fear in the face of that fear and let go of a lot in order to trust the universe and my destiny. I have give up a lot over the years to ready myself unknowingly for this time now. I guess from an intuitive perspective I am trying to accept that all will be ok even when I'm going though these long shut downs and try to find safety and more trust in things. Try to forgive myself should those negative thoughts and judgements surface. I have to be easy, non jusdgemenal, kind to myself when I cannot perform. Somehow maybe the shutdowns are there to quiet the mind of my human as I heal though the universe or energies I do no see as a human.
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