First Photographers

Whenever I've reached a point in my life things have seemed insurmountable and dreams unattainable and life intolerable --it was either give up or reach deeper. Art or Spirit.

 

Some bouts of creativity were solely to keep me out of trouble once I reached a tipping point. Other times I was really trying to make a life from my artwork and creative projects. But there was too much for me to untangle and nothing back then I could stick to as one modality to make a living from. I could not afford school as I was barely getting by with new babies and a legal battle for custody for the first child. Prior to that I was driven and focused but had no support, few life skills from my childhood abuse. Long story.

I suffered from many mind-body obstacles - a list so long it surprises me that I am here now--perhaps out of sheer stubbornness to see how the story ends or raw faith and wanting to see my artwork and creativity finally provide the independence I was never able to achieve. 

 

 

Because I could not focus for many reasons my art was all over the place. I did begin at 18 trying to work as S Read Designs for a marketing company, but I also got taken advantage of as well. The mayonnaise label I had designed and pitched I later found they used it, when in a grocery store I discovered it and bought with food stamps --that brought me to tears. The relationship had ended with this firm on a sour note. All lessons I had to learn about protecting my own interests. But if I could not do it for my "person" how would I manage professionally? Years of struggle and painful lessons.

It didn't get any easier no matter what I did I could see anything through to completion. I would create opportunities then sabotage them in a state of unworthiness. 

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My mind and body would malfunction regularly as a result of adrenal burnout, PMS, lack of progesterone and mood disorders. Then thyroid failure. And now a new issue ASD as of this year 2023

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ADHD was discovered later on and was a piece of the puzzle. I was incorrectly diagnosed with bi-polar, but for years I suffered with those symptoms to until I found bio-identical hormones much later.

I had no idea at first where or how to begin untangling the inner mess. It was all overwhelming and constant stress and anxiety. Nothing felt right except designing and manifesting something from my right brain...and picking myself off the ground with color, and creative fantasies. When I felt so dark I wanted to end things, I would be gifted a wave of creative energies from beyond to keep me here. 

 

I was in a damning loop of failure everyday. The kids forced me to stay grounded and the art applied for different reasons kept me dreaming of one day making my art sustainable for me.

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I looked at myself as kind of wild child artistically, as a person very insecure from my childhood. I was unable to sit down long enough to learn a skill or make any money to funnel into what I needed to grow a career. I was always just surviving. My art at the time felt worthless because I equated self worth to making a regular paycheck which I was not capable of for many years to come. 

I was that damaged. But I faked being what everyone wanted me to be as part of the survival mechanism, but no one valued my art or dreams as I did. In my area fashion designers or making a living from art wasn't the norm.

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Today I look back and see perhaps that was the soul's plan. With the potent mixture of a poor self image and no confidence complicated by mind/body/abuse issues I could not survive on my own. Bit by bit i have had to become self aware and face a multidimensional view of my life before 52. I am starting over as an artist and spiritual Youtube personality sharing the spiritual and artistic parts of my survival at 57. 

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