The Human "Story" is a series of life events that teach us, grow us, and help us clear stuck energies in the hope of finding our way back to Oneness. When we are in the story we can take on the victim archetype and giving our power away. 

Often times we get stuck in the details and loop. I did for the first part of my life. I found self awareness to be essential in redefining the story as simply the experiences needed to achieve the soul's mission(s). "I" integrates into "We" as one raises vibration in and for the collective conscious and share with our Creator. 

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For me to heal I had to create a voice at some point, as I was never allowed to speak. I was never heard like many whose soul contracts include darkness and despair early on. As I recall details please know I do so to have the voice, but am not doing so as a victim --one day the words will disappear off the pages...and become the wisdom learned & passed on...

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I was a little girl with a lot of problems to overcome. I suffered from child abuse which led to constant fear and few to no life skills to actually succeed in my earlier years. My bodily systems were imbalanced and I suffered with what seemed like endless mind, body and mental limitations having been later diagnosed with debilitating ADHD, the ADD kind, mild bi-polar, all the shortcomings of child abuse such as personality disorder, mood disorders, CPTSD, codependency, and so much more. My hormones were shot from living in fear 100% of the time, and I was never properly treated as I was a bit more to handle than what the local therapies I had access to could handle. I chose spiritual healings as often as possible but that was just one aspect of the whole picture than needed TLC and unpacking. I found it hard to EXIST and never felt I belonged anywhere, I had a huge difficulty expressing myself except though extremes through outbursts and self harm.  I had no sense of worth, boundaries or identity except through art. I struggled to write and speak up for myself. I weathered some extraordinary circumstances, yes. I was born into an unkind childhood with a lot of lessons I would not conquer until now, my life half over. I had mental, emotional and physical imbalances from the start, which only magnified later on. I do remember feeling a twisted kind of love as a little girl, because I was not beaten I thought I was ok, not realizing what happened to me. The older I got the programming took its affect in every aspect of my life, love took on a darker twist--or lack of it toward myself. Yet I seemed to maintain extreme forgiveness and a kind of unconditional love only for others-- even those who would hurt me. But I had an inner disgust and hatred for myself that would have to be worked on. I was high functioning so not many knew what was going on inside and one day it would all have to be dealt with. I could not achieve any of my personal goals as I had no skills or normal growth stages as most children experience to get on in life, like to hold a job, mostly function in a relationship, self stabilize-I had nothing but raw talent and dreams and no way to get there with the baggage I would first have to sort out. We all have problems. But I didn't ever want my secrets known that maybe there was something really wrong with me. 

 

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Early life "looked" normal on the outside 

 

My family looked normal even happy by photographs, but the actual life I had made little sense and I felt I was living in some underground distorted world. I was raised into sexual abuse and later porn. Fear replaced love, security was non existent as codependency replaced most any chance to learn self esteem and family was a contorted mess behind closed doors. But to my friends and school and public life I played the "normal but quiet" kid. 

Relentless inner conflict and outer fighting for survival became my normal. Always on shaky ground that would later be shrouded in secrecy and isolation as I leaned to push distortion down. On Saturday mornings, there was a kind of truce. And right out of bed I would grab my crayons, paints or whatever I had to amuse myself creatively. I floated off into another world for awhile.

 

Traumatic events led to a solo trip to Belgium at 12

I flew by myself at 12 first to London airport, changed planes to get to Brussels. After trying to run away at 8, self harm at 11 instead of being institutionalized as I was told later I was sent to Belgium to stay with my aunts in Belgium and flew solo to London then Belgium. A lot going on. 

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Creativity and spirit were the only antidote to inner chaos

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Throughout my life, I used creativity as a way to barely stay afloat, to find some light and something maybe that came easy to me, that gave me timeless joy for awhile, until I would drift off into trouble. The darker it got, the more traumatic events I gravitated into my life I ran to art or spirit. I had no survival or coping skills except these two outlets. 

 

Wanted to be a fashion designer 

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In my early teens, I wanted to be a fashion designer - and I was all set. I was driven, and determined. I had contacted the Traphagen School of Fashion, in NYC. I used to sit beside my mother as she would sew some of my clothes and coincidentally she had gone to school with Betsey Johnson. I also learned, that my great aunt, on my Parisian Grandmother's side, was an actual fashion designer. She and her husband would sew and sell her designs to the wealthy during the war to earn a living. Yet, in spite of all these influences, I was never able to follow that dream. I told myself later in life this was probably all for the best, anyway, I had no self preservation skills then--not ready for the city just yet. 

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Body Dysmorphic disorder shows up in 35mm selfies 

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My first attempts to fight the "battle of the body" was at 18, and I got a 35 mm film camera for graduation. I had fun creating outfits although nothing for today's fashion.  I learned to use a 15 foot cable release and a lot of measuring to do these. There was no instant viewing --you took your chances, paid for developing a roll and you got what you got a week or so later. I ventured into some self nudes, and some nudes of my friends, done tastefully. I wound up getting some pretty cool shots! I was a serious artist then while all the other high school kids partied I studied my creative side. Some people said I was photogenic, which, at first, I thought was a step forward in trying to accept myself, but really worked against me when people would see a pic of me and look up at me and say "Oh, that doesn't look like you!" I would interpret that, not as the compliment it was meant to be, but to mean that in "real" life, I must be pretty ugly then. And that's when the painful body image was finally lamented in my brain as a truth. Twice I ran into the back of a car on my bicycle when I would ride with my head down in order for my face not to be seen when the wind blew the hair away. Twice. Jr. High same thing, kids later asked why I walked with my face looking toward the floor. 

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Back to Ct with a baby 

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This chapter is done so I wont go into what happened. But the bottom line was that a photographer offered to finance my fashion designs and connect me with a modeling agency if went to Florida with him - not exactly of my own will. Bad things happened while there. I lost everything and someone very special by the time I got back to CT. Long story short I was homeless but later I was allowed to sleep in our camp trailer until my water broke with my son, we were not welcome when I came back. After he was born I was allowed back in the house but not spoken to. I was urged to give up my child by my father and then shortly after I was  sued for child custody was false accusations of being "unfit" at 7 months - I went through 3 attorneys at which one point the male unexpectedly molested me- yes I fired him, countless phycological testings, and trauma from this. But you bet I got my shit togehter to learn child behaviors and development.  Believe it or not--today 99% of this has been released and cleared. There was one person I've wanted forgiveness from-the one I was with and loved before I was unwillingly uprooted then ( all lessons I know now). He never had the whole story. I was just gone. His family was warm and loving something they extended to me at 14 was acceptance. But I understand sometimes it is what it is. We all move forward. All the stories are done and no longer hold a charge for me because I did the work. And took responsibility. And did the best I could to understand and do my inner work on all that. 

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First Modeling gig to be figure model for photographers 

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From those early pics I took, I then applied for a part time job doing figure modeling. I argued with myself on that one, and one day in the shower heard that inner voice insist I do it. So after that first shoot I was modeling for other local photographers. After I became pregnant with my son I had 3 different photographers shoot me and my belly. One photographer I adored I have never seen those photos he took. He passed away before I had the chance. Jack Kelly was a career underwater photographer and lived in my town, he was so nice, respectful. Another gig I did while pregnant I got my car battery stolen under an underpass in Chicopee his name was Stu Bond also a gem and replaced my battery. There was Mike Ryan he did some of the best ones. Everyone wanted to experiment with light, and form with a big rounded belly. 

 

Modeling and Movie work 

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I signed up with a modeling agency Mystique Models and Deb Hinchcliffe she was so pretty with big eyes and a tiny perfect physique. I had zero confidence, the scars of pregnancy added another layer of insecurity and would walk out of auditions hours while waiting to be called in.  I walked out of a calendar shoot thinking I would never be accepted. I thought I was the only one with children though I was still young and didn't look like a mom. I perceived imperfection all the time. Though I had I tummy scars they were hidden when I was smaller.  I had responded to another agency at the same time but I was scammed for $200 from Jdth Models, and she took my best comp card pics. Confronted her in her NYC office of the upper East side only for her to dismiss me --so I gave up. I went into movie extra work - no perfection necessary. 

So I ventured to NYC to do movie extra work. I made it on a few early "Law and Order" episodes, the movie "The Hard Way", and a couple of other movies and TV shows, meeting some of the biggest stars. Then getting my son into modeling - then collapsing, again. Then I became pregnant. I met LL. Cool J, Cynthia Nixon, James Woods, Billy Crystal and others. Cool adventures in NYC. I did two pageants with my children, my son won a 3 year modeling contract, I took some awards in mine. So we traveled to auditions in NYC for Daryl now,  

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Magazine Model Invite

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When my kids were 2 and 4 I was working with a marketing company doing bits of artwork and through that connection I was offered the chance to model for a magazine in Taiwan, but I would be gone for six weeks. I was so afraid I would damage my children by being gone. So I just wasn't able to didn't lose the 10 pounds required. Today I wish I had gone but again we can only do what we can only do at the time. I continued to do local modeling though. Occasionally I would be approached to model like when I went to the Big E and I did an old fashioned photo, was followed then asked if I would shoot for a dating magazine. But out of respect for Jeff, I did not accept the gig. I also squashed a nude shoot for Playboy as he threatened to leave me if I did it we only just got together so...Did I mention I was also pretty good at self sabotage? 

 

First Breakdown

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In 1990  I experienced a pretty bad breakdown. Pregnant again, sick and out of work-- (I quit DHL to finish a move. I was still in debt I awhile earlier I stupidly allowed a friend to charge $200 on my credit card and $11,000 later and no way out I had to go bankrupt and then I fell apart in depression. I still had to be a mom to my two children and pay bills. Things went badly and then no baby again too sick and bedridden but this time suicidal and dehydrated -- no where to get help. Eventually I climbed out of it, did some artwork inspired by my children, sewed them so silly clothes, made character cut outs, did photos of them. The second breakdown came when my son graduated college and I feared he would leave or die. ( past life stuff) I had a reading to help me stabilize and sort it out. There would be another breakdown when my son was ready to leave home. He was a son of mine  in another lifetime and I lost him horrifically, those memories still stuck in my cell memories. 

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Becoming a Realtor, Landlord, and Community Activist

 

After the smoke cleared in 1992, I designed and won a logo contest for Thompsonville part of Enfield. they were going to try and revitalize the older part of town--the original Enfield. A charming multi cultural quaint village plagued by the ruins of Urban Renewal. Then in 1994 I got my real estate license as we were about try our luck at property investing In Thompsonville. I didn't get my own business going till 1996. 

And I kept a professional grounded front, I maintained a real estate career, managed many Thompsonville activities and served in almost every civic effort in establishing groups, organizing and chairing events, as well as creating and funding new events. I was the constantly advocating for neighborhood the rest of the town wanted nothing to do with. At one time, I was Vice President of our local landlord group, yet I was the poster child of tenant abuses all on my own. On the Revitalization committee, I helped seed the idea of a playground behind our house with a local police officer Mark. In 1992 I had won a a contest for the town logo which became the image for the failed revitalization efforts. That logo is still on signage today.  On the outside, I was focused, outspoken (for others), and an over achiever, spending hours on developing plans, ideas, and simple steps to get a better quality of life here for tenants and to encourage home ownership. On the inside my life was completely chaotic and my adrenal were blown, my thyroid was burned out, I began gaining weight, my was bladder shot, and other health issues would surface. I hid it as best I could from the world. 

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Physical Assault collecting rent 

While attempting to collect rent  I was physically assaulted by a tenant who was wanted by the Feds for gunrunning. I had no idea, or that he was dealing crack. I was trying to play on his sympathies by bringing my daughter.  She witnessed him punch me in the face and fractured my upper jaw and knocked my teeth out. I was harassed by many tenants, spit on, called a bitch, hit on, threatened and on and on. That was some heavy duty karmic balancing. Other things happened as well, but when I began doing shadow work and began inner standing how these things work I owned my suffering and turned it around. 

 

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Caring for my dad taught me natural healing  

 

Only a few short years ago, beginning in 2015, my world was "really" beginning to crack and the walls starting to crumble! That was when I began a long struggle of having to deal with my father's deteriorating health issues, while battling with his professional care givers and hospitals over his special needs and diets. It was during this time that my mother suddenly died, only a short time before my dad! This was followed by an unwarranted year long probate battle with an estranged sibling. In my altered "zombie" state during this time,

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I thought of how much I had already suffered through my life; tired, drained, empty, broken, destitute, damaged and unworthy of anything good. Yet I did have a family that loved me! But in my state of mind, I would feel more like a parasite, of embarrassment and shame. 

These feelings and emotions surrounding unworthiness, self hatred and more all had to be dissected these last few years for me through intense shadow work and uncovering past lives where I made others feel what I was made to feel the same pain. To peel the layers back to release the huge weight in my heart I felt just living and breathing. Up until now everything was gray.  

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I describe in another page the biggest events post my parents death-Dark night of Soul stuff, then another special person I owe so much of my deepest healing and understanding of how things really work in the Universe. She helped me through the ugliest shadow work, I asked the Universe for an angel to help me and I was sent Ingrid.

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And this is my purpose now: to share bits of this life ---first for myself and my thyroid which begs to have a voice finally and heal.  ( see metaphysical meaning for thyroid issues ) And if anyone who is similarly going through the mud and the muck and in need of a comrade in arms --I am here. Maybe together we figure it out and be our greatest selves. To acknowledge the life but also re-image the possibilities in finding our best magical beautiful sparks of Light.  

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As of today 2/17/23 I believe the final integration of the dark and the light have taken place. I needed massive healing after going through shadow work and other back to back processes that left me weak and vulnerable to the negative spirits. That is a whole other chapter for sure. I have begun Youtube videos just to have a voice no matter who listens 

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This life for me has been mostly dark mostly pain mostly living on the fringe but having my basic needs cared for, having a beautiful family of my despite my vulnerabilities and other issues, I am grateful I had loving people to keep me afloat when I did not want to continue. And I owe my spiritual women warriors a debt of gratitude and Soul2K for saving me in the final battle this past 4 months especially. I was so worn down and the healing I received was to remind me who i was -who my soul is in order to take back my power.

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Sue 

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