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Well, at first as I was coming out of the dark, I felt kinda super human and for the first time fearless. I wanted to push my boundaries beyond anything I had ever done before. I wanted to play the role of  a fighter, the aggressor maybe it went way beyond deer in the headlights modeling.

 

My body began breaking down in my late 20's early 30's. The ADHD was off the charts, I had adrenal burnout, hypothyroidism, allergies, mood disorders, my bladder was shot, was put on glaucoma meds at 33, had cataract surgery, all the emotional, and mental stress of codependency, anxiety, PTSD from the sexual abuses. My weight began to skyrocket and the self loathing and disgust reached an all new high. My health was a train wreck. I never learned to work through the body dysmorphic issues --so most of the time I ignored my body, treated it like the enemy.

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Fast forward to age 50-51, it was extreme care my father would need that forced me into some weight and hair loss caused by the stress of what happened to him and me in the process. But after he died -I learned through getting him on organics how it gave him a chance to work things out. He would be been ded multiple times over in institutional care. So i began cleaning up my diet, replacing big pharm with like herbs and organics, and went down a few sizes. I used to dream about weight lifting. When I landed on wrestling I was so lucky T.O.S was in East Hartford. I tried out in December 2017 I was soooo excited to have a chance to get in the ring--I was invited into the ring for the first night I attended. 

That first night I got to lift a guy -- that was the biggest thrill!! However, my excitement overshadowed the fact that I had a few malfunctions - immediately. I had wrist surgery months before so my left was weak. Worse yet-- I didn't have hair extensions yet--and my pony tail flew off as I existed the ring upside down around the ropes. That's not all....I didn't have proper shoes so I slid off the ropes--the most embarrassing was the nip slip but was respectfully pointed out and corrected. Lastly, I peed myself - I had no idea the pressure my bladder would be under--I learned later how to prevent that. Though that sounds like age--it wasn't. My bladder was damaged at 5. Tried corrective surgery in my 30's, was not successful. 

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New "diagnosis" Vocal Cord Dysfunction

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But that still wasn't the absolute worse I would go through. Something developed to show me where I had more issues to work on. I used to think I had exercised induces asthma. I used to have to work out in my modeling days so I would do aerobics and stop midway to puff. I never thought it helped--stopping helped. So I was diagnosed something called Vocal Cord Dysfunction. OMG would it ever end? Uconn tested me, said It was brought on by extreme fear and anxiety so much so that as I reached an aerobic state my throat would cut off my air. Happens to a lot of young women athletes I learned. It was absolutely humiliating in front of all of the guys. They didn't know -guys don't go on about their stuff... Then I began to freeze every time it would be my turn during the workouts. Humiliating to have to stop everything and have to leave the ring and sit for the rest of the night, often hiding back tears. (See Physical page for more on VCD) Yet my heart wanted to keep going, I LOVED it!!! I wished I had this in my 20's, But it was really the guys here that made it possible for me to keep trying, they were supportive and didn't judge. Everyone was welcome and became family. 

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The final insult & Injury 

 

It would be my best performance, where I finally felt strong enough to really drop all my insecurities and envision doing a match one day--I didn't care what role-one  flip bump -anything--just one match and I would have met my goal --I just loved it as a sport, for fitness and socialization -I found I was competitive inside and I wanted a chance to show it. And I finally felt like I was a part of something I never had before --me being a loner, and isolating all my life, fearing my secrets and social awkwardness.

I had a faux match with Tyler, I was pumped and ready. It went super smooth and I was so ALIVE, then in a terrible twist of fate my leg got pinned under his and it twisted as I got up not feeling it under him. It caused a sprain, a tear and water on the knee. I tried to walk on it trying to not cry. These guys have broken bones, had concussions, there has been blood and ER trips.

 

Exit stage left

 

But at that moment --I was being prepared for something else.  While healing from the knee  I had another unrelated injury-and knew it was time for another leap and  force myself off my ADHD medication, It is highly addictive and I had terrible withdrawals when they would screw with my script --but this veers off into another page. ...

 

The aftermath 

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It was painful because I couldn't stay connected--it was too hard to watch if i couldn't be in the ring, and fate wouldn't let me stay here for a few reasons, I had more to learn and go through elsewhere and that required as much focus as wrestling. Physically and mentally wrestling was a challenge, if I had breathing episodes during training the next 2 days I had lung and throat pain as well as  exhaustion from adrenal and thyroid damages prior. I had never pushed my body so hard --but it showed me yes i can be strong but I still had more physical healing to do. I couldn't accept my wrestling exhilaration might be limited. So I didn't --I thought by just disappearing it would be less painful--it isn't.

 

I miss them everyday and cant bring myself to admit defeat in any way nor just accept it was a necessary part of my evolution for more mental/physical/emotional and physical healing--The Vocal Cord Dysfunction was a new thing that surfaced from fear resulting from past  trauma unresolved.

 

Wrestling for me was vital tool in this healing evolution on so many critical levels. I had to see the best in men in a sport that would seem to foster the least wanted traits. I had to look at myself as more than a big ball of insecurities -- It wasn't enough I was older than anyone in the room, in a mostly male sport, and had a lot of existing physical weaknesses to work around. Add to that, I had no knowledge of the sport and no love of it previously. I would find out I had dyslexic learning in taking direction) showed me each and every weakness to heal, lesson to learn, and negative energy that needed clearing, Quite humbling. 

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Future Comeback?

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Who knows, maybe if I train slow and steady the next few years I'll come back at 60 if they'll have me! Hopefully too, the financial outlook will improve in order to pay for T.O.S classes again. I dreamed of just one match....just one...

 

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