Modeling after 50

This will be a fun page to do I hope.

The sad truth is that I used to tell myself at 20 what we all consider our best selves -that i didn't ever want to reach 50 fearing I would see an unrecognizable wrinkly face. Yes, that sounds incredibly shallow to most.  But at that time I was still fully engulfed in a woefully agonizing self image. If I hated what I saw then in the mirror how was it going to get any easier? 

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But there is always a plan of growth. And to others it may seem superficial and egotistical. But when one has never had the ability to develop a healthy sense of self, it contaminates all aspects of life until one can see the problem and begin to correct it from the inside out. Sometimes some of us need to go from the outside in to get to the inside out part. Weird I know. But I gave the powers that be a run for their money, in turn they gifted me some bricks to rebuild my broken foundation however that may appear to people not having this issue. 

So moving along here in my point -the women at 50 when-- I was young i saw mothers, and grandmother  who lost themselves to unplucked mustaches, beard hair, most women opted for short comfortable hair, perms and polyester pants. My mom donned mounds of white lumpy cellulite. While that sounds like a judgement, yes it was. I was judging myself all the time and secretly others because that's what we do when we do not love ourselves. A woman who is comfortably seated in herself, her power and her soul plus knows who she is --doesn't give a shit what others think. She knows she has to live with herself 24/7. I was far from that at 20, and I longed for that kind of self love and confidence. 

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Tragic but funny incident 

I hated looking in the mirror, hated my forehead for one thing, heavy eyelids etc. So with the forehead issue I was so insecure I would not do anything that would blow the hair away from my forehead - so no amusement park rides, and so on. One day while on my bike heading to our local store, on the return trip I ran my bike into the back of a car while looking donward trying not to expose my forehead---not once but TWICE around the age of 12. I had a phobia about lines in my forehead.  I had more phobias from the dysmorphia -then not knowing there was such a term for it-- from freckles as a kid, frizzy hair in my teens, heavy eyelids that I would sleep with my fingers holding up at night and more--to later having a chubby belly and being too pasty white, then having birthing scars to tiny veins in my legs at 21. You don't get a second chance to enjoy what you look like in your youth.

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I had no idea corrupted the images of perfect gorgeous bodies of porn women. And don't think at 9 years old you can just shake it off and develop a healthy self image, not when you grow up in a sexual world. I developed deep seated triggers about this, somehow.  For example if I was with a loved one and there was nudity on a screen I would get bat shit crazy. The first time it happened it scared me, my friend who didn't know there was any nudity and my newer boyfriend at the time. I had to bury those triggers until I could figure out how to fix it. (karmic twin flame at 52 did if for me) He never understood it, and he never pushed my buttons on it. 

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People in society brush this off. They don't get it. I had only met one woman who felt like I do with the tv/movie nudity stuff. 

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So oddly I was still asked by local photographers and my own sparks of creation I decided I wanted to play with costumes, make up, lighting and posing at every stage it seemed of my life, even my heaviest times, and later on in life. Now I know people LOVE to criticize older, heavier women so I am prepared to accept I'm sure I won't be excluded.  But I've been through enough pain in the last 14 years with the twin flame forcing me to anti up and try to step into the me that says I have a right to be here and grow old too. 

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