Body Dysmorphic Disorder Vs Modeling vs Creativity

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What is Body Dysmorphic Disorder?

According to Oxford it is a mental health condition characterized by extreme preoccupation with self perceived defects in the appearance of the body leading to distress and impairment of social and occupational functioning

My human will share this: Due to my exposure to inappropriate touch from birth, then shown all levels of porn at 9 years old, I didn't know I was on a path of distortion, self destruction , self mutilation and forming frightening triggers in the brain that could erupt under certain circumstances. Since I lacked the normal growth stages where a child develops some type of "self" or identity I was perpetually confused and lost. My body felt separate from me and I began to deeply hate it. Growing up codependent my cues were external only, so I would also look on the outside for self worth, approval, validation to feel "normal" but I found none.
It feels like a disease that festers inside with freckles, eye color, shapes, lines, then worsens with age, weight gain, scars or any marks, or characteristics that would go mostly unnoticed by those with an average supply of self esteem. I had no idea what toxic thoughts I was perpetuating daily that would drive me to failure later on. It went undetected even through my bouts with anorexic eating patterns at 16. I was a freak in my own skin with no way out I thought as a kid. I did not know how to have fun, be with others without crippling anxiety which I would learn to mask in school. In my twisted head it droned in my head that since I wasn't growing into the perfect huge chested blond ladies I saw so often, there was no hope for me. Now, I am also thinking everyone else has seen what I have and can see I am clearly awful.
What I want to say here is that this was done in ignorance and misplaced use of sexual material to "educate" the male. I was an innocent bystander. I would later be keenly aware by meeting men who had been exposed to porn, and those who had not. And there was a huge difference, an innocence, no signs of misogyny, sexual perversions, and worse that I did encounter. My house was pure chaos so there was no awareness of any lost innocence.

"I hope to illuminate that today is much worse than when I grew up. We are allowing the erosion of all childhood innocence for profit, degradation, on both a corporate and institutionalized level. We need to stop our societal use of soft porn in music videos, ads, movies- they have rules of "must include sex scenes and nudity which is getting worse and yet you cannot buy clean or own edited versions of the mainstream movies at all unless you tape them from cable media. Social media has become an every day persons display of body parts- with filters and accessible to all.
Lets recognize the institutionalized exploitation and loss of innocence for profit, and the degradation of a generation. See it for what it is know its true cost to our humanity. Find a way back to self love, respect and begin learning the truth of Sacred sexuality and honoring the body as a temple of worth not as a way to feed the negative entities waiting for that life force energy to suck up and steal.

I do not frown of artistic nudity, or the study of the body, it's use in creative forms, but there is vast difference in the intension to coerce the viewer intentionally into an altered state to stimulate one's life force into a potential spiritual siphoning versus the opposite intension of an artist, or photographer or creator to evoke the essence, beauty and grace of the human form inspiring appreciation and worth for both model and creator. I am not going to debate what that constitutes. I have modeled for both sides but will not post anything of that nature anywhere. I had to learn the differences as both subject and creator.

On with the human story:
Modeling become an outlet later to try and fix or "find something" I could accept about myself. I first I experimented with 35mm "selfies" to see what I would look like on film. I could try and "control" somethings. But it was no easy task to do, but I had to see what would happen. what I discovered was a double edged sword. In that, I felt without make up, lights, and figure enhancing poses, I was still ugly. Yet in the pictures I wasn't as ugly but I didn't know it was called being "photogenic". I learned to create an "illusion" that could be an alter self for now . When I began modeling for others they told me I was photogenic that's how I learned what that meant. But that just made me feel worse, like I should just paste an 8x10 to my forehead and call it a day. I still remained "ugly" in real life in my twisted mind. I remember at 16 compulsively applying make up every half hour when in public, brushing my hair every 10 minutes, not letting my face be seen in the direct sunlight around a crush. Cover any freckles and never show my forehead, even if it means walking away or backwards on a windy day.
MY STUPIDITY AT WORK: Not once but twice I rode up the back of a car with my head down so my forehead and face wouldn't be exposed when I saw people.

From the ages of 18-50 I have been searching for absolute self love and acceptance, through my pregnancies and even as I gained weight later on from hypothyroidism and illness in any way possible. But there is no substitute for accepting and living within the self, not outside of it. No good comes from hating oneself. Ever.

Disclaimer: These are my experiences, I am not a therapist or advising anyone of any remedies. Whatever progress I have made it has been through research and a long journey of self awareness, pain and a willingness to heal these wounds in a multi-dimensional way. There are no quick fixes, only our personal journey's to self love and acceptance, and there are many experiences our soul chooses for us to learn and help heal the collective consciousness of which we all are. I am not unique nor a victim.

The photo Journey from dark to almost light at 18-58

First Chapter Me:
A loving spirited creative child
challenged & confused

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First selfies in 1983 35mm at 18; a sampling but compared to today's cell phone selfies- these are ridiculously silly

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First modeling job for figure modeling led to more modeling and re-traumatization. Wrong field to try and build esteem

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Movies, TV and
Modeling in my 20's always, I trying to overcome something to feel "normal"- trying to be in the world through a mask, an illusion. It didn't work.

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I have grappled--no-- agonized for years over presenting this material on this or any forum although I was guided to do it to begin healing these parts of myself-to go back in time beginning with little me and really look in her eyes. To see myself maybe as others might- not perfect but not as the ugly person I believed to be inside and out for numerous reasons that were all programmed in childhood and reflected back at me.

This wound and life challenge was so deep it had destabilized my entire life as though it were a curse. Crippling self hatred and a dysmorphic body image that should not have been. By anyone else's account, I was an average person with a normal body and face it would seem. Acceptable.

But as Get Soul'd exists, it ties our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual aspects of life's experiences so I will highlight the spiritual aspect of this seemingly invalid suffering to the outside world.

At 16, I prayed over my birthday cake that year, begging God -"Please God make me pretty I promise I'll be good and do as you ask!" I had no idea then how the universe and the game of life worked. I remembered just enough of spirit to know there might be a reason one day for all of the current and future suffering and pain I was still waiting to walk through.

I didn't understand what I do now. I would learn it comes down to this: Our soul will choose our mission and select certain conditions and lessons as well as our physical body attributes (as well as personality, archetypes, gifts, talents, etc, you get the idea I hope)

Today as I look back I was given a few body challenges to learn healing, self love, self care, self image, endurance and more. Not knowing that then and being set up by my caretakers to destroy what I would have to fix over time, mistake after mistake, re trauma after re trauma.

**The Hard Way. How ironic indeed that I would be in the movie when it would be the mode of operation through ought my life.

A look Back

At 18 while my high school friends graduated and celebrated and partied, I began cementing my isolation in both light and dark ways. I adopted photography instinctively as a means of creativity, my second tool after art and color. I began a self quest to prove to myself that I would trick myself into using my creativity into testing out an alter reality and I turned the camera around on me. It was a little comical in the 1980's with a 35mm camera and a long 15 foot cable to set off the camera with my hand, or foot. I had to mark an x where I would have to focus the lens then try not too stray from it. And it did not always work out after waiting a few weeks of processing and mailings I had a few epic fails that came back way out of focus. I would later work at a one hour film place and meet an incredible up and coming photographer while pregnant with my second child at 22.

Side bar: My mother has since come through in spirit to apologize and I do forgive her because I understood there were some shady things in her past I think that drove her sexuality. But it is still work to re-nurture a lost part of my childhood innocence and self. I have also learned that our inner child must be tended to in all of the mess to recover as fully as possible. The triggers I was wired with will be discussed but it took a karmic/twin flame to drive it out of me like a stake through Dracula's heart and just as scary.

Two opposing things happened -1. I didn't see the body I thought I was suppose to have to please men, I was chubby by today's standards for mainstream "sex" appeal and porn which was my only visual body image to live up to

2. I began to see this medium as a fun, creative outlet as well. Dressing up in what seems silly fabrics and outfits, or nothing at all, but hiding parts I didn't like. My belly for one. I would edit by ripping the bottoms off my printed pictures--no digital editing then, no way I could afford it not like today with editing apps.

Funny thing is-I still pushed the envelope trying to create an illusion of myself that I could approve of. I learned late in life about push up bras for saggy boobs, corsets to flatten hanging bellies and hair pieces to replace hair loss in excess hormonal stress situations. Exercise would never recover this body from childbirth scars, and significant weight gain with hypothyroidism, plus the same self hatred , eating to numb myself and thinking destructive thoughts for years.

Until I figured out a way to fix a few of those issues outside of photos in 2016 when I finally had cosmetic surgery to ease the burden and try to regain some sexy perhaps instead of fixing my insides. I was just about to begin wrestling and I rationalized it as necessary. I was freshly mourning the deaths of my parents and on a huge roller coaster of emotion.

At 50 I began enjoying the creator of illusion part because at this point my body as a whole would not be enough without massive workouts and strength training, and giving up my food crutch, so at first I had fun creating costumes and alter egos hiding parts of myself in pics. Then it got real.

I grapple to this day on whether I did the right thing instead of just accepting where my body landed and not being so extreme --because after my wrestling injury, getting off Vyvanse for ADD, I began the weight gain all over again as I passed through some spiritual fears and lessons and more painful life altering processes. But I'm learning now not to judge myself anymore on my post decisions because for me it will always lead to more failure and I just can't afford anymore, I'm just too tired.

So now fast forward to now-I'm still trying to accept my soul's themes and use of the body to teach me self acceptance at any size or shape. With the world changing so frighteningly to the bad my story will be hardly be note worthy compared to what children are now being exposed to. Through my pain and struggle I was blessed to have a kind of bubble so I would not be ravaged beyond repair though it absolutely felt that. I had a creative/ spiritual energy that allowed some light to peek in my perpetually dark inner existence.

Once I thought my story might have been unique--having a photo diary from the days we didn't have "selfies" we have today with cell phones. To show an evolutionary process of one little girl struggling to find herself via film and a filter-less world. Selfies are a part of life now and used as a gauge for self esteem with perfection filters to garner rave reviews- no one has to look inside now. I look awful and awfully raw compared to some of the Instagram I've stumbled upon. I was shocked one day when I found tons of nudes on a social media platform by opening one picture that was sent to me, I did not solicit that but after the algorithm kept sending me more of these ladies showing it all off . I had to go to settings to shut off and keep cancelling new ones. Any child would have access to that, just as I had been exposed to. It was upsetting and my awakening that today is a virtual soft porn society. Anyone easily access this. The old me definitely would be triggered. But now I feel as sadness and defeat for our babies growing up in this innocence stealing world.

Today with aging, my body dysmorphic issues are still a work in progress- I have come along way with healing and maturity and healing deep triggers. The severe triggers were worked out with a karmic twin flame around 2016 and beyond, it was a super painful experience to "crack the code" to begin this healing process. Sometimes the one's closest to us can't do the dirty work.

Now children are growing up more exposed to dark sexual ideologies and that are simply in their faces in every medium, everyday, everywhere it seems. In 2020 I was awakened to who has been ruling our world and it made sense why our world has been getting progressively more perverse and destructive to families, children, and the light workers.

Many who have not experiences loss of their innocent's due to porn or being sexually abused do not understand what it's like to be programmed sexually by an external world, and loss of control over body and stimulation, self esteem and safety occurs. It is frowned upon for a woman to speak out against porn or strip clubs, or over sexualization in media, movies and music videos-- they are branded frigid, non sexual and prudes. It takes a brave person to just not care what others think when they can see what's happening to our society. This website is my baby steps in speaking out from my lifelong battles, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

I have noticed through the years how the music, movies and media have gradually become soft porn if not obvious porn. Social media is adding a component I did not have as a teen, or young adult. I thought one day I will tell of my experiences and be brave enough to make these statements as healed but fully sensual, and sexual intellect on the subject -lets say -having seen all sides, from the dark to the light of our human sexuality.

I felt many of my beliefs were held in contrast and in opposition from one another from parents that agreed on nothing. For example: though I came from a sexual based childhood I was shown the difference between natural nudity, and porn based nudity. Being clothing optional at a beach there is no overt sexuality vs designated orgies. I do not judge either. But I have grown up with a balance of each side of the coin. And I had to walk my path on both sides to get where I am today.

One benefit I had a child is that we were a clothing optional family at least in our smallness. I didn't know body shame until after 9 and being exposed to porn. So its like I had to learn both the light and dark of nudity, comfort and shame, in many situations. Weaving from one experience to another feeling the vibration of either. My self photography was an expression of both paradoxes as well. After 9 I would learn the experience of Body Dysmorphic disorder when I unintentionally aspired to look like the porn images losing that ability to see what was there wasn't bad. But none the less my photo journey began there. First for validation of some sort then feeling the creative vibe to use what I had to create illusion --something that was comforting outside of "reality".

So I share these photos as a sort of documentary in my journey to find self love. I didn't know then it came from inside. How could I? We all forget when we are born what the mission is. But none the less this is the journey I took to find that out. Today I look back and say I wasn't disfigured. I saw how my body morphed into fat, scars, an all out war with my body throughout my life until I finally took drastic measures to morph creation with inner acceptance . And it is neither good not bad I have learned. Its just the journey to arrive at the goal set forth by my soul. I have had to quell the negative self talk and when chaos ensues in that process I often chose to turn it into some kind of creation even with my own body.

The 30's began my body showing signs of wear & not feeling right....My adrenals were burned out, thyroid imbalance and other issues showing up

The late 40's began my body changing, some weight loss and I was headed in a good direction body wise-the mind was another battle still being waged.

In my later 30's my body was
spinning out of control Photographer and friend John Ryan tried to show me
Plus size didn't have to be the end. But if felt like it. I hated myself more. He was always trying to help my perspective.

Last shoot was at 52, around wrestling & weights when I had begun deeper body healing and challenging it in a better way I was hoping.

In my 40's D.M. was working with my daughter but he and I did a couple of shoots in my mid to late 40's. I had lost a few pounds as I was now on thyroid meds, off Welbutrin and other like meds. I was put on the bio-identicle progesterone hormone originally learned about through Suzanne Somers research. D.M. Photographed at 22, and 40's.

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As the 50's began, there were health improvements but it would be time to deal with the mental, emotional and spiritual challenges ahead, in which much pain would be processed. I had an opportunity to funnel some of it through wrestling at 52 after the deaths of my parents and events following in 2016. I soon met another photographer and began more modeling. Oddly enough revisits from 2 early photographers would emerge. I got to play in mediumship for at least 2 years before my world world begin caving in and beginning the transformation of everything.

I decided at 51-53 after unsurmountable stress caring for my dad for months, mom dying first, then dealing with both their estates, It was pure hell. Dark night of soul lasted months. Then in a sort of manic energy I had to reinvent myself. To change my body, through surgery, weightlifting, diet and discipline. Accepted for a show, Began a documentary upon request by producer. After an injury in wrestling I crashed --again. Creative self expression was my savior once again. I built a faux bistro, a memorial pond, made short videos and back in isolation. On ADHD meds. Quit them. Photo shoots with past and new photog. Oh yeah, I even made a character for Comicon. Making myself be around crowds.

52-55 & present I was being tested over and over. Massive pressure again as I was healing my suicidal inner triggers from childhood with a karmic twin flame. I met someone, a mentor and karmic sister who would throw me into the hell of shadow work and the purging of my soul. I began gaining weight again but didn't care. I needed it I guess--this was a new kind of fear. Assignments given to me remember how to how to clear many types of negative entities, then to see the world as it is-the truth of pure evil and its purpose. Finally it would come closer to home with my own relationships and truth. As far as the subject of body dysmorphic issues- that was being worked on but it was almost benign compared to what was happening. Body? what body? I'm chasing demons!

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After babies I entered into

movie and TV extra work.

The Hard Way, got to scream- chatted with LL Cool J -incredibly deep soul; Pics with villain and James Woods. Hung out with Fabio, went with Dennis R -took 4 days to film, .I was one of 12 females to compete for drug scene to get into SAG. we all had black, pink girl won, got lines. I got placed for a screaming bit for a second or two by the stuntman I was chatting with all day. He later drove my van like we were in a movie real life action movie! Worked 16 plus hours for $75 a day. Then it was exciting and on the edge to be happily exhausted.

City Slickers -met Billy Crystal at his trailer. He had a dark tan, irritated to be in the New England chill. Dumb ass me put the film in the camera so I would not forget it - but I forget to pull it around the sprocket. Dennis asked me when i get them developed let him know, on the train my heart sank when I realized it.

Law & Order with Cynthia Nixon- got upset craft table out of bagels. Naughty extras! Another episode I was on the front court stairs with another Ct friend. Got a beautiful hand written note by an actor on set that I treasured always.

I did a Spike Lee film, got one of my friends in, was called "Go Beverly" but changed later. Night scene, they kept spraying streets wet.

I did one Competitive Pageant (scored 3 awards)

I did a Video competition, first outfit I froze, second I got it.

Many years later I did an Indie movie, didn't know until we got there. Lots of Indies knew the stars had their faces pressed on every window of the New Haven train station. The lady star had to keep getting "tears" put in her eyes for a sad scene...I got another friend in that one. Beautiful people and food.

Pregnancies & Photography
I had 3 photographers while I was pregnant with my son at 20. Fearless me even went to an abandon factory in Chicopee with a complete stranger. My car battery was stolen out of my old maverick. I had no money to buy another so Stu bought one for me. He gave me all but the factory pics. Those were abstracts with light flooding through panes of glass across my belly. We went to Forest Park for the pics above. Of course today it's normal and expected that people want to do beautiful pregnancy pics. But back then it was not common. Demi Moore was one of the first famous persons to go public on a cover.

I had Mike R. from Enfield do some of my favorite pics but they were very small contact prints hard to blow up without losing quality. I lost one of my favorite ones. he had a studio in the old Woolco's mall ( Marshall's today)

There was a beautiful photographer & friend by the name of Jack Kelly. He came to the house I was at (house sitting) and we did a pregnancy shoot where my hair was slicked back out of the shower. Very tasteful. But I have never seen these photos. Sadly Jack lost his life as he was a deep sea photographer and his family had whatever photos he left behind. I asked his mother once as we knew each other through town affairs but she never saw fit to let me see them or have them.
Later in life my son would also become a model.

With my second pregnancy I asked a co worker friend at Printko at the mall to photograph me while pregnant but I don't think he felt comfortable but for me it was a lot easier to have someone else do it than having the belly get in the way of what I used to have to do for selfies. Oddly, just as I was called a muse for my first photographer, my baby girl grew up to be this photographer's muse. I encouraged Britt into modeling to overcome shyness as I had tried to do myself. Finally as she became a beautiful woman I could only have dreamed of the photos these two would create. Absolute magic. Luckily as much as I wished to look like her I would never begrudge her beauty and wished she would have modeled professionally even now. He did photograph me again later on in my 40's.

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Second Chapter Me:
Healing all the wounds & learning to trust
and love as I am today & still create

Some thoughts I have learned to embrace, forgive, change and forgive in myself now..

I didn't realize the full effects of the sexual trauma until adulthood. Before then it seemed to me all girls had these experiences but didn't talk about it. Today I'm sure I am considered the "norm" which is incomprehensible.
The combination of physical exploitation from birth and the visual sexual stimulation of porn I was exposed to created an automatic inner rejection like a damning audio track playing 24/7. I would later learn I would develop triggers only surfacing around those I fell in love and if should they see a sexualized naked woman in porn or movies.
It was impossible as a pre-teen to sort out why I felt like a freak or an outsider in my own body. To me I did not look pretty at any level, however I now know with healing I was a normal preteen but I was violated so much I believed something was very wrong with me and felt as though I was disfigured in some way. Like the phantom pain of a missing limb, I was a complete distortion to myself. I assumed everyone else saw me the same as I did.
I remember at the age of 16 begging God to make me "pretty" standing over my birthday cake, eyes welling up with tears for feeling "destined to be ugly". I could find nothing about my looks where I felt like I matched the template of a porn body that was systematically embedded in my subconscious at 9 and the illusion of the body dysmorphic disorder solidified itself in my self image, self esteem and self worth. To the people with a typical self image formed in youth this will make no sense.
At 18 I remember hoping I would die before I hit 50 assuming I'd be old and wrinkled and sexually disgusting to anyone. Wow. That was a very depressing track running in my mind then. Later in life a friend shared with me his attraction to " imperfect and older women", another man still shared his love of scars on a woman as he honored the journey of a woman's body. Where were these guys back then?
I began the first "selfies", with my 35mm camera, film in those days and a long 15ft cable release. I was desperate to find anything I could like about myself. This was a kind of tip off to a creative pursuit as well. Could I pretend to create an acceptable image with lighting, angles and some make up though crude by todays standards?
Not so fun fact -twice I drove into the back of a car on my bicycle, riding while looking downward to conceal my face at about 12 because I hated my forehead and my face as the wind blew my hair away from it. I did not want anyone to see my face without my hair hiding it.
I once walked out of a model calendar audition where I knew the photographer, after standing in line for hours for my audition I obsessed over my birthing scars and left --I was resigned to the fact any model would be prefect and I had no business pretending I was them.

Lastly I remember in Jr high walking around the "hub" at school unable to look forward, I walked with my face to the floor hoping not to be seen only glancing up to find my direction but often running into the back of shoes while I nervously navigated the path to class in this way, almost shaking inside and wishing to be invisible.

Thank you Paul G from grade school and my old neighborhood for crossing the veil to give me a beautiful message regarding the "rose" .It brought me to tears Thank you .....

Seems it was not my destiny to become "someone" despite being told there was "something" about me then, but rather an "everyone" on a journey to find something- be it their self love, overcome addiction, manifest a goal, heal a lifelong relationship, the missions are endless. I dreamed big, but was not my destiny to be so easily trapped in the false illusion of glamour and admiration by strangers without love or self worth or any such personal boundaries. I knew innately had I gone to NYC to fashion school I would not have made it to 25. I was bitter for a long time. But over time it was because I knew I was a lost sheep, and anyone could put a collar on my neck and lead me to slaughter and I would be laying dead in a gutter. My first baby saved me long enough to save him, and have purpose until I could understand it all. My soul chose no shortcuts, and every mistake was a smack in the head to get it right. Taurus is a stubborn bull. But God knew the plan that I resisted often enough.

Everything was thrown at me from birth on but deep down I was given clues as to my real fate. I had a hard road ahead of me and a lot of painful work waiting for me to get beyong the seemingly infinite and aimless suffering I knew too well.

But I am grateful to those closest to me who held my feet to the ground no matter how hard it got, how many times I just felt I couldn't do it. I am grateful for having the talent and creativity, the heart and the spiritual awareness and to seek help from those who saw things from a bigger viewpoint when nothing made sense to me.

In 2015 I heard the call for me to take action. I could not do as I was asked I wasn't ready to face the world yet. So 2019, and 2022 began something, baby steps. But I think God knew that and as long as I kept plugging along at this website, and youtube no matter how uncomfortable- just to put myself in the world, I was obeying the "order" for growth and whatever path this would take me, and one day be in service to others somehow. Somehow that I do not fully know yet. Still following the breadcrumbs with frustration but yes absolute faith.